It was a train journey from Indore to Kota, my home place. Just two days back before the journey, I requested my uncle to get me a train ticket; he got me a sleeper class ticket with a waiting number of 53. We thought it would clear. In this hope, came the day of leaving. I inquired to railway inquiry, and found that there was still a big waiting. I told my uncle to cancel my train ticket and get me a bus ticket instead, but he said, “don’t worry, I will settle you the train, be patient and just see!!”. I was wondering how he will do that. On my repeatedly asking the same question he got irritated and shouted, “it is my responsibility to get you into the train, don’t worry, and don’t ask me this question again.”. I did not touch the topic again. Time of departure of train was approaching; I packed my luggage and got ready. We left to the railway station. After reaching there we checked for my waiting list number, it was 10. My uncle then started searching for TC. He asked to TC, if I could get one seat. He said, there is no seat available in sleeper coach. He then asked if there is seat available in AC coach, TC said “just go and sit on seat number 7, which is my seat, rest I will see in the train itself”.

I was afraid with all this; I was not ready to do all this. Many questions were revolving in my head, “what if … ??”. The main fear which I had in my mind was of fear of indulging in bribery, which I was not at all willing to do. I repeated asked few questions to my uncle, “How can I sit in AC coach with a sleeper class ticket? and even if there is some legal mechanism to do this, then what is the surety that he will not ask me for some money for his pocket?”. To this he said, “There exists a legal mechanism to upgrade a sleeper class ticket to AC coach, depending upon the availability of seat, but even then if he asks you for some money then, give it to him!!” I was not willing to indulge into this. In spite of my unwillingness they put my luggage into AC coach onto the seat number 7 and told me, “You are very impractical; you are unfit to survive in this world”. I kept quite, due to regard as he is elder to me.

And the time of departure came, train started moving; I was waving my hand on the gate of my coach and was saying bye-bye to all. I sat on seat number 7 in AC coach as said by TC. I still had fear and many questions were still revolving my mind, “what if …??”. What if some other TC comes? What if there is no legal mechanism to upgrade the ticket? What if TC asks me for some money? If he asks me for some money then how will I handle that situation? All these questions were revolving in my mind.

I was asynchronously monitoring if TC was coming, I couldn’t even concentrate much on the book I was reading. I was thinking to shift to general coach but I had a lot of luggage which I couldn’t shift in little time. I was cursing myself that I brought that much luggage and decided to not to carry more that 2 luggage in any journey in future.

Ultimately, I saw TC coming. I took my ticket out of my pocket and when he came I showed it to him. He told me to keep the ticket with me and wait for some time. May be he did not have any free seat till then. It happened 3-4 times, every time he was coming near to me, I was showing him the ticket and getting the same reply, “keep the ticket with you for some more time.” After some time he came back and told me to show him my ticket. I showed, he then took out his booklet to upgrade my ticket. He made a slip of Rs. 310 and allotted me a free seat. I was not expecting this; I thought he will ask me for some money without giving me any slip. I gave him 500 rupee note since I did not have change. He was supposed to return me 190 Rs. He went away without returning. I too did not ask him the change with the belief that he will return me change in some time and might not be having it that time.

He came back after some time sat next to me, took out money from his pocket, confirmed from me, “You gave me 500 Rs, right?”, “Yes” I said. He gave me 100 Rs back and very slowly said something to me with a mild sarcastic smile on his face. I couldn’t exactly hear what he said but I could understand that he was expecting me to leave 90 Rs. I said “I think I have some change”, I took out 10 Rs note out of my pocket, gave him, and raised my hand in the expectation of 100 Rs. He returned me 100 Rs unwillingly and was expecting me to give him 50 Rs or something. He did not explicitly ask me that but I could figure it out from his gesture. I did not give him anything. Without saying anything, I kept 200 Rs in my pocket and ignored him. May be he understood and did not ask me for money then. All the people around me were awake so may be, he was not willing to do that explicitly in front of all of them.

I was feeling secure now. I had got an AC coach legal ticket. All my fears had gone except the fear, what if he comes again sometime later and asks me for some money? How will I handle that situation? I started imagining that situation in my mind and was trying to find out the solution for it. I decided that if he asks me for money sometime later then I will refuse him humbly with gratefulness for allotting me seat in AC coach.

He did not come for a long time. Kota was approaching us, only 30-45 minutes were remaining. TC came back and sat next to me. He was also going to get down at Kota. Again same questions started revolving in my mind and I started revising what I had decided in my mind. But by God’s grace that situation did not come. He did not ask me anything and Kota came. I was now fearless and happy. I was happy that I was saved from the thing which I was not willing to do. But during these ending hours I saw him taking money from some other people, when all were almost asleep.

There are some more things in it. What if he would have asked me for money without giving me any slip? What if I had refused to give him money? What he could have done? If he had asked me to leave the coach or had charged me fine for boarding into the AC coach in spite of his instructions, since I did not have any proof that he gave me instructions, then what would have happened? I was with 5 big bags which I feel was difficult for me to change the coach on any station since the train was not stopping on any station for more that 10 minutes.

In this entire thing first mistake was mine. I shouldn’t have boarded the AC coach in spite of the TC’s instructions. I should have completed the formalities on the station itself, then only I should have boarded. But I feel he did not have any free seat that time in AC coach and there was pressure from my uncle’s side on me to board it. In this situation when I had already boarded the AC coach, if he had asked me for money, then I would have definitely refused humbly, but if he had insisted then probably I would have given him the money. I know that it wouldn’t have been right, but I was in such a situation that I wouldn’t have had any other option.

There have been many times in past, when I did things which now I feel were wrong. There were many wrong things which I did, out of ignorance i.e. without knowing that what I was doing could be wrong, out of need and having no option other than doing what I feel was wrong, out of fear I did things which I was not willing to do and sometimes even out of greed and temptation, in spite of knowing that what I was doing was wrong.

What I feel today is, what I know could be wrong, but yes I feel that is the Truth for me today. I will make it base for my action. Yes it is possible that tomorrow the Truth changes for me, then the new version of Truth will become basis of my action. I will try to refrain myself from temptations and greed which I feel could only be avoided with more understanding and for fear it will require more courage and knowledge.