We all want to feel confident. When we lack confidence then we feel low, when we have confidence then we feel good. The major thing here to see is, what is the basis of our Self-Confidence? We see that different people feel confident because of different things. Some feel confident because they have good English, some because they have high ranks in various exams, some because they have studies many books and thus are intellectuals, some because they have good looks, some because of good communications skills, some because of money, some because of power, some because of position, some because of their way of conduct, some because of their principles, some because many people know them, some may even because of their simple living! Any difference which make them unique can be the basis of their confidence.

The major thing to see here is whether my confidence is my own or due to others? Whether my confidence is due to I am “more” in something than others? Whether my confidence is Relative or Absolute?

Somebody is confident because he has a lot of money and somebody is confident because he has given up his entire money. Somebody is confident because of his humble way of conduct and somebody because of his rude way of conduct. Somebody is confident because he feel that he knows more than others. Somebody is confident because he is a good critique and is able to find out mistake in others so feels “more” than them. But the fact still remains, whether my basis of confidence is other person, anything outside or I myself!

I have seen that mostly the confidence which we have is Relative i.e. I have confidence because I am “more” in something than others or I have something unique in me than others or others look up at me that’s why I am confident. Generally we see ourselves through the eyes of others, so the things to which others give importance become basis of ensuring my confidence. When other people around me look up at me or think good about me or think about me the way I want or the way I see myself then I feel good, I feel respected, I feel confident. When others around me do not see me the way I see myself or see me “less” or do not think good about me then I feel disrespected, I feel lack of confidence within myself. A slight appreciation by somebody makes me happy and slight ignorance, unhappy. Specially when the other person is the one with whom I have spend a long time or have considered him a responsible or sensible person or give importance to that person, if he sees me wrong, then it hurts me terribly, it shakes my confidence terribly, if he sees me right then I feel good, my level of confidence boosts up.

Many times it also happens that we secure our confidence by degrading others down in our eyes. We start looking down at others for one or another reasons and feel ourselves up and feel that our confidence is absolute, but it is also Relative, since I am up because other person is down in my eyes! We become a critique and are able to find out mistakes in each and every person. Finding out mistakes in others pushes them down in my eyes and thus I feel myself up, but the evaluation is still relative. As soon as any of them whom I look down start coming up my confidence shakes.

Relative Evaluation is the cause of Relative Self-Confidence!

Such kind of relative confidence always has insecurities involved. I am always insecure about my confidence, I am always afraid of others that if they come “Up”, I will go “Down”. Here the rat race starts, to secure my confidence I am always trying to be ahead or up of the other person. This thing leads to competitions, jealousy, envy, hatred, oppression, corruption, struggle, opposition, fights, wars and world wars! It is a chain.

So the question which comes is, what is the root cause of what all it is happening?

This desire to live with Confidence in Self is inherent in a human being. We want to live with Confidence all the time. We want to live with Confidence in all the aspects of our living. There is never a time when we desire for lack of it. We want Certainty, Consistency and Continuity of Confidence within ourselves. Due to the lack of some absolute basis we recognize it Relatively and thus the basis of my confidence becomes other person. I feel good about myself when other person has a good opinion about me.

Due to this Relative recognition of Confidence within ourselves this Relative Evaluation happens. I recognize my importance by seeing my importance to the other person. If I feel that I am not important to other person then I feel low, my confidence goes down.

There is one more thing to notice here. Generally the thing to which we give importance, by getting that thing we feel confident, that thing becomes basis of our self-confidence. Generally 5 things are basis of confidence in people,
1. Roop (Looks, Beauty)
2. Dhan (Money)
3. Pad (Position)
4. Bal (Power)
5. Buddhi (Intellect)

Whenever I make basis of my confidence any such thing which can be separated from me, which has this factor of relativity of “more” or “less” then my confidence is always relative. There are always insecurities involved in my confidence and to ensure its certainty, consistency and continuity I indulge into various problematic things which don’t me happy as well as others happy.

So what will be the absolute basis of Confidence to have absolute Self-Confidence which has Certainty, Consistency and Continuity?

Knowledge! and the basis of evaluation of things as myself and not other person, any book, any instrument, or anything. By knowledge I mean, understanding of harmony at the level of

1. Self
2. Family
3. Society
4. Nature
5. Existence

I remember when I was in primary school coming first in class was success for me, that is what I was told to me by my parents and teachers and that is what I assumed to be right. When I came in 10th, getting good percentage in board exam was success for me. After passing 10th getting into IIT or similar good institution was success for me and thus getting high rank in competitive exams like IIT, AIEEE was success for me. After getting a sufficiently good rank in AIEEE and getting into a good college, getting a good job became success for me. To achieve that success I spent 4 years in college studying all those subjects which I was NOT willing to study! Similar was the case in my primary, secondary and during the preparation for competitive exams, I was not really willing to study all those subjects which I studied. To study all those I had to mug, I had to go against my willingness, I had to suffer, I had to struggle, but since I had assumed something as success so I could not be happy until I achieve it. I completed my B.Tech and got sufficiently good job. I am successful as per my previous definitions of success, now what? Is this sufficient? do I want something more than this? But NO! When I see around me I find there are still some other notions of success. Getting up into corporate ladder is Success, doing MBA and getting a much high paying job is Success, getting ahead of others and coming on the top is success and there are many more!

When I see all this I find that I am not happy in the process of achieving the success which I have assumed to be success and by the time I achieve what I had assumed to be success, my notions of success are changed and I am still running! They say “Success is a journey and not a destination”, but am I happy in the journey? Is there any end to this race? Is there any absolute success or it is always relative? If success is relative then will I ever be successful? Is there happiness in process of achieving success or even after having achieved what I have assumed as success? Is there any definition of Success without Happiness? Why do I want to become successful?

When I ask these questions to myself, I realize that I want to become successful to be happy. Happiness is the main purpose. If the main purpose is not being fulfilled in the course of achieving success or even after having achieved success then what is meaning of becoming successful? There is no definition of success without understanding Happiness i.e. what is happiness? and how can I achieve it?

In current scenario or current notions of success are not able to make us happy and will not be able to make us happy, this is clear, but if not this then what will? This is the very basic question. I have talked to many people who are successful in current notions of success and I realized that they are still not happy, they want something “more” than that, but what is that “more” they do not exactly know!

There are two main questions which a human being has in his life.

1. What do I want to achieve?
2. How can I achieve it?

To analyze first question, if we make a list of all our desires and think more on them then we can identify what we really want to achieve. If I ask myself this question then answer which comes to me is, I want

Happiness + Prosperity + Relationships + Continuity of all 3.

Others can also ponder over this and can verify this if they find this true for themselves or not.

I want Happiness continuously, always, I want to “feel” Prosperity always, I want to live with feeling of relationships with others around me always. There is never a time when I desire for unhappiness, there is never a time when I desire for deprivation, there is never a time when I desire for opposition with anybody.

Now second questions which comes is, How can I achieve it?

Answer of this question can be taken as a proposal,

I can achieve Happiness + Prosperity + Relationships + Continuity of 3, by Understanding. By Understanding of what Happiness is? by Understanding of what Prosperity is? by Understanding of what Relationships are? In total by increasing my Knowledge at the level of

1. Self
2. Family
3. Society
4. Nature

I am very happy to inform you all that my old blogs have been recovered. Their URLs are,

http://enigmaticdev.wordpress.com

http://excogitativedev.wordpress.com

My blogs were hacked.

Thanks to wordpress support and Karan from whom I came to know about WordPress Support.

After my blogs were hacked I had created this blog, so from now on I will be available on my all 3 blogs. You can expect redundancy of same post on two different blogs.

Housekeeping in my office works more than me and gets paid less and is valued less!

I have been observing my office housekeeping since many days and I realized that they work more than me, more number of days and have no value at all!

My office is not very big in size, so we have just two housekeeping members, one lady and one man. Both of them do not know Hindi, they speak Telugu. Lady must be between 40-45 age and man must be around 30-35. When I come to office the lady says “Namaste” to me and on my reply the same way, she feels good and gives a pleasant smile. The man says “Good Morning” when I come. They do the same to all who come to office in the morning. Lady doesn’t talk to many since not many reply to her wishes and looks kind of scared among office people. Since I keep talking to them frequently so the lady now has started talking to me freely without hesitation. She asks me if I have had my breakfast/lunch on respective times.

One day when I was taking coffee in pantry, both the housekeeping members were there, then suddenly lady asked me,

“What is your salary?”

I was feeling uncomfortable within myself on being asked this question from the lady since I knew that my salary would be 10-15 times more than what they are getting and if I tell them my exact salary right away then they might feel low or might start considering me very high or might feel uncomfortable to talk to me next time, so to make the situation lighter I asked them another question without myself answering theirs,

“When do you come to office? And when do you leave?”

She said, “I come by 7:30 and go back by 7 or 8 in the evening”.

“How much do they pay you?” I asked

She said, “I get 3 thousand and this man gets 4.5 thousand”.

I was shocked! It was less than my expectations.

They work for around 12-13 hours a day and that also 6 days a week and get paid just 3-4 thousand!

I work for 8 hours a day and 5 days a week and get paid 10-15 times more than them!

Their work involves a lot of physical work also and in my work I just in front of a computer do some coding.

I asked them to which places they belong, they named a few villages in Andhra. I asked them then why did they come to Hyderabad, they said, for job and their kids do not want to do work in villages. In their jobs they have a lot of insecurity too. I remember the time when our last office boy was expelled from the office without mentioning any reason.

It was not the first time when I was seeing all this. This happens daily and everywhere around us.

After reading what I have written probably most of us would think, “What’s wrong in it? This is how things happen; intellect is paid and valued more than physical labor”. This is the kind of system we live in. This is a servant owner system. If I do not own any natural resource then I am a servant of one or the other. Whatever thing is assumed to be “valuable” in the system, people in production of those things are “valued” and they earn a lot and others are exploited. Now those who are being exploited want to become like those who are exploiting. In this system I can make production in my house continuous only when my kid is also servant or owner of something in the market and is able to earn money and is ready to feed me when I am old. Since in this system there are a lot of insecurities involved so to get rid of those insecurities I am bound to accumulate, continuously and more and more accumulation, which causes many other problems of production and distribution. Now the question which comes is why the thing which is “valued” in the system is “valued”? The stuff which I produce (i.e. Software in my case) is valued in the market and I am earning. Who is the market? Who is creating the market? I am the market and I am creating it. I am making those things valuable in the market which I am making myself and others to produce them for me.

This is really a very big issue and I just mentioned a microscopic glimpse of it. A bigger picture of it can be found at following link

http://www.storyofstuff.com/

It is the missing purpose in every aspect of our life which makes those things valuable in the system which do not have any value really. And if we ask ourselves if we are happy with the system we are living in? If we feel secure in the system we are living in? If we are able to ensure continuous happiness for ourselves in the system we are living in? Then answer comes as NO!

If I myself am not able to make me happy in the system I created then I need to recheck what am I doing? Where am I going? Is there any direction or it has no direction?

Ultimately the question comes what is the root cause of all this which is happening? And the answer comes that root cause is Understanding. It is the understanding which can make the purpose of life clear, it is the understanding which can make purpose of everything clear, it is the understanding which makes a person self-organized, it is the understanding which develops absolute self confidence in every individual, it is the understanding which makes relationships stronger which ultimately leads to prosperity in every family, it is the understanding which can thus bring fearlessness in the society and peaceful co-existence in nature. This all starts with understanding at the level of individual, because individual is the basic entity of world, nation, state, society, family.

हर एक फूल पत्ती में मैं,
तृप्ति ढूंडा करता हूँ,
जब मैं अतृप्त महसूस करता हूँ,
तिनके के सहारे से भी,
अत्यंत आनंद लिया करता हूँ,
जब मैं अतृप्त महसूस करता हूँ|

मोनिटर की स्क्रीन पर मैं,
संदेशों का इंतज़ार किया करता हूँ,
संदेश ना आने पर मैं,
व्याकुल हो जाया करता हूँ,
लोगों को संदेश भेज भेज कर मैं,
अपनी अतृप्ति निकाला करता हूँ|

कोई मिल जाए मुझे,
जो मुझे सुने और समझ जाए,
ऐसी आशा लगाया करता हूँ|
ना मिलने पर किसी के मैं,
अकेले ही घूमने निकल जाया करता हूँ,
जब मैं अतृप्त महसूस करता हूँ|

अतृप्ति के खालीपन मे ये,
मौसम का बदलाव भी मुझे सताता है,
किसी के मुँह मोड़ लेने पर वह
मुझे अपने विरोधी की तरह दिखने लग जाता है|
दुकानों पर खा कर के पकवान,
मैं उस अंतराग्नि को बुझाया करता हूँ|

पूरा संसार मुझे तृप्त करने मैं लगा रहे,
मन मैं जो इच्छा विचार हैं,
वह उसी क्षण पूरे हो जाएँ!
ऐसी निरंतर तृप्ति की मैं उन अनित्य
वस्तुओं से आशा लगाया करता हूँ,
जब मैं अतृप्त महसूस करता हूँ|

ये अतृप्ति की ज्वाला मुझे,
मेरी परतंत्रता का ध्यान दिलाती है,
मेरे अन्दर बसी आसक्तियां,
अपना असल रूप दिखाने लग जाती हैं|
स्वयं पर नियंत्रण रखने मे ही,
मेरी आधी उर्जा चली जाती है|

प्रश्नों के उत्तरों का आभाव नही है,
बस उस अमृत का ही आभाव है,
जो इस अतृप्ति को बुझायेगा|
नदी के उस पार दीखता है वो अमृत मुझे,
पर तैरना नहीं आता यही व्यथा है,
जाने कब ये इंसान उस पार पहुच पायेगा|

यह सब सोच कर के मैं,
अपनी उस अतृप्ति को बड़ा लिया करता हूँ,
जब मैं अतृप्त महसूस करता हूँ|

My mother had only one eye,

I hated her as I was ashamed of her

She was a cook in the school cafeteria where I studied.

One day, when I saw still in a primary class,

She came to visit me to see for herself that I was all right.

I was very upset, how dare she do this to me?

After that incident I ignored her & looked on her

Only with hateful eyes….

The next day, a fellow-student told me,

“oohhh, your mother has only one eye!”

At that moment, I wanted to crawl under the floor

And that my mother would be out of my life completely.

The next day I went to meet her & to tell here:

” because of you I am the joke at school,

Why don’t you die and go away!?

But, she did not respond….

I wasn’t thinking and did not know what I was saying,

I was very angry.

I could not imagine

How she would react to my remarks.

And, I left town.

I studied relentlessly and obtained a scholarship

to continue my studies abroad.

In fact, I completed my studies, got married, bought a house and set up my family.

I lived a happy and a peaceful life.

One day, my mother comes to visit me.

It has been many years since she had disappeared,

She had never met here grand-children.

She remained at the doorstep

While my children were making fun of her

I shouted at her: ” How date you come all the way here and frighten my kids?!

With a calm voice she responded:

“I apologize, I am at the wrong address.”

And she disappeared.

One day, I received an invitation from my hometown school to attend a reunion under the ” close family ties ” topic

I lied to my wife and made her believe that

I was traveling for business.

After the reunion I stopped by the house

where I grew up

The neighbours informed me that

my mother had passed away.

I did not shed even one drop of tear!!!

The neighbor handed me a letter

that my mother had left for me

“My Dear son, I always thought of you.”

I regret having visited you abroad

And frightened your kids

…I was very pleased when I heard that

you would come to attend the reunion

…The only thing was that I could not get up

from my bed to come and see you….

… I am broken-hearted that I brought

shame to you on numerous occasions…

…Did you know that when you were a baby

you had an accident and lost your one eye?…

… and, as any other mother would,

I would not let you grow up with only one eye….

So. I gave you my eye……..

I was very proud and happy to know that my son would be able to see the world with my eye

… with all my love…

…Your mother….