What do we appreciate? We appreciate several things. We appreciate a good degree, a good house, money, power, position, beauty and many more things. We aspire to get, whatever we appreciate and we feel good when we get it. It boosts our confidence, gives us happiness when we get what we appreciate.

The things which we appreciate contribute to our ambitions, goals. We even spend our entire lives for it.

What we really want? We want continuous Happiness. We want Certainty, Consistency and Continuity of Happiness. This thing can be verified by anybody.

Generally we feel that by the thing which we appreciate (beauty, power, position, money etc) we will get what we really want (Continuous Happiness), that’s why we appreciate it.

Generally a human being wants/desires for more than what he appreciates. A human being wants

Happiness + Relationships + Prosperity + Continuity of these 3.

We are generally not aware of what exactly we want so our scope of things which we appreciate is limited. This thing can be seen with a very small example. When our relationships are not going well, when there are contradictions within, when there are tensions in life in spite of having things what we appreciate, then we do not go to a beautiful person, we do not go to a powerful person, we do not go to a positionful person, but we go to a person with whom we have assurance that, that person will understand my problem, will be able to appreciate my problem and will also be able to give me solution to my problem. We go to a Knowledgeful person.

So, is what we appreciate is going to give us what we really want? If NO, then what is?

It is, Knowledge.

It is only Knowledge which can ensure Continuity of Happiness or what I really want.

Knowledge includes, understanding related to:-
Self,
Family,
Society,
Nature

We see that we interact with several people. We feel related to several people. We like several people. When we spend some time with people whom we like then we generally develop a kind of more liking for them. When that liking goes beyond a particular threshold and other person becomes a source of happiness for us then we start calling that liking as Love.

Generally we start liking other person when that person suits to our preferences, likings and dislikings. When we get in touch with that person we feel good. With more and more time when I start getting assurance with the person that he evaluates me rightly, he feels good about me, he doesn’t doubt my intentions, he trusts me, he understands me and he has accepted me unconditionally then he starts becoming a source of happiness for me and with increase in the intensity of this feeling, I feel that I love that person.

Now here the problem starts.

In this wayof loving other person we expect other person to remain as he is now. I expect him to have same view towards me forever, I expect him to feel “good” about me with my own definition of “good”, I expect him to never doubt my intentions, I expect him to always evaluate me rightly, I expect him to keep accepting me unconditionally forever, I can not tolerate any change in the feeling, thoughts, behavior of other person towards me! If this happens even slightly it hurts me terribly. I can not tolerate that feeling of hurt and want other person to become same with me and remain same with me forever.

Even a small comment or slight behavior change in other person towards me gives rise to 1000s of questions within me. “Why is he doing like this?”, “What happened to him?”, “He was not like this”, “Probably he interpreted my previous actions in some wrong way” and many such more questions keep on troubling me. I get a fear of being wrongly evaluated. I can not tolerate it. I want other person to evaluate me rightly again. I want him to have same view about me which he had in past. The doubt which I have got in my mind for other person due to his change in behavior or comment makes me to reevaluate all my previous interactions with him. I start doubting him in all my previous interactions with him, I start feeling guilty for even slight mistakes I made in past with him. If I get a doubt on the intentions of other person then I start doubting his every action and in fact all previous interactions. This keeps happening with me till the time I am satisfied within myself with a conclusion for other person or I talk to other person to resolve the issue and this entire process is always very painful.

The way we love/like generally, the feeling which we develop over some time for other person is totally conditional. In this way we put several walls around other person and expect him to remain in those walls forever. Even the starting of our love is from conditions. When our conditions are fulfilled we start liking and then loving other person. This kind of love snatches our own freedom and the freedom of other person too whom we love.

In our current notions of love we hurt ourselves and hurt other person too. It also gives rise to many other problems. When we see that the person we love start paying attention to some other person more than us then we start feeling jealous, a feeling of hatred and opposition for that person start coming within us. When we see that the person we love is not able to return or respond back to us the way we want then we get hurt. If it continues for long then the feeling of love which we had start converting into a feeling of hatred.

In our current notions of love there is possessiveness, belongingness, “mine” and “yours”. I say that I love my parents because I consider them mine. If I come to know today that I am not their real child and I was adopted when I was a kid then my feeling for them might vanish/decrease in a fraction of seconds! I love other person when I consider him “mine”. When those notions of “mine” are changed then my feeling for those who have been “mine” is changed. See how much conditional our feeling is and we expect others to love us unconditionally!

What we consider currently as Love is actually NOT Love, it is Attachment!

Attachment is always conditional. Attachment always gives rise to negative feelings like jealousy/hatred/opposition etc. Attachment is not free from “mine” and “yours”. Attachment demands physical presence of other person. Attachment takes away our freedom and the freedom of other person too. Attachment makes us slave of other person. Attachment demands conformity/assurance from other person of response as per my notions of good, as per my preferences. Attachment is nothing but Violence and unfortunately we all are part of it. Attachment involves tremendous expectations from other person. Attachment involves dependency. Attachment is a liking on the basis of conditions which we ourselves are not aware of!

Love actually on the other hand is Unconditional. Love does not demand. Love doesn’t require physical presence of other person. Love is free from “mine” and “yours”. Love gives freedom to other person and liberates ourselves too. Love is unconditional liking for other person. It doesn’t expect anything in return. Love is “Ahimsa” (Non-Violence). Love is “Karuna”. Love is independent of our preferences, likings and dislikings. Love is not dependent on what other person has but is actually dependent on what a human being actually is! Love is invariant, unchanging feeling for other person independent of what may!

A human being naturally expects Certainty, Consistency and Continuity of Happiness in every dimension of his living. He doesn’t want any kind of dependency of his happiness on anything. Any kind of dependency violates Consistency and Continuity of Happiness which is not desirable to a human being. Attachment involves dependency of Happiness. Love is Continuity of Happiness.

With lack of understanding of Happiness we indulge into Attachment. With increase in Understanding of what Happiness actually is, we start moving towards Love.

To understand Relationships, Happiness, Trust, Respect, Love etc. we need knowledge. Knowledge includes understanding related to:-
Self
Family
Society
Nature

मानव का स्वभाव सुखी हो कर के जीने का है|  मानव निरंतर सुख चाहता है, हर क्षण सुख चाहता है| ऐसा एक भी क्षण नहीं जब मानव सुख नहीं चाहता| जब मानव सुखी होता है तब वह उसी स्थिति में रहना चाहता है, जब वह दुखी होता है तब वह उस स्थिति से बाहर आ कर के वापस से सुखी हो जाना चाहता है| इससे यह सिद्ध होता है की सुख, केवल सुख, निरंतर सुख ही  मानव की सहज वांछा है| मावन अपने जीवन में सुख की निश्चितता, स्थिरता और निरंतरता चाहता है|

मानव का हर कार्य सुखी होने के लिए सम्पन्न हो रहा है, भले ही वह इस तथ्य से अवगत हो या नहीं| हर काम इंसान सुखी होने या हो जाने के उद्देश्य से ही कर रहा है| हम सुखी होने या हो जाने के लिए कई तरह के प्रयास करते हैं| गाने सुन लेना, चलचित्र देख लेना, दोस्तों के साथ बातें कर लेना, एक्साम में अच्छे नंबर लाना, माता पिता की अपेक्षाओं को पूरा करना, अपनी अपेक्षाओं को पूरा करना, बड़ी बड़ी परीक्षाओं में अच्छे अंकों से उत्तीर्ण होना, अच्छे कोलेजों में दाखिला लेना, पी.एच.डी करना, अच्छी नौकरी पाना, ज्यादा से ज्यादा पैसे कमाना, बड़ी गद्दी को पा लेना और भी बहुत कुछ हम करते हैं और यह सब के मूल में सुख की ही आशा रहती है|

यहाँ पर यह देखने में आता है की हम सुख की आशापूर्ति के लिए या तो कुछ करने का प्रयास करते हैं या कुछ पाने का प्रयास करते हैं| जैसे गाने सुन कर के सुखी होना, चलचित्र देख कर के सुखी होना, दोस्तों के साथ समय बिता कर के सुखी होना इत्यादि| इसमें कुछ कर के सुखी होने की चाहना है| दूसरी तरफ़ आता है, कुछ पा कर के सुखी होने की आशा रखना| इसमें आता है, अगर मेरे परीक्षा में अच्छे नंबर आ गए तो मुझे सब शाबाशी देंगे, मेरी सब तारीफ करेंगे और मुझे अच्छा लगेगा और मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा| अगर मेरा अच्छा जॉब लग गया तो मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा, अगर मेरी पी.एच.डी पूरी हो गई तो मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा, अगर मैं उस प्रतियोगिता में जीत गया तो मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा, अगर मेरी किसी अच्छी लड़की शादी हो गई तो मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा, अगर मेरा एक बड़ा घर होगा तो मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा, अगर मेरा बच्चा अच्छे जॉब में आ जाएगा तो मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा, अगर मैं समाज में प्रतिष्ठा पा लूँगा तो मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा, अगर मैं ऊंचे पद पर स्थापित हो जाऊंगा तो मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा, अगर मैं धनवान हो गया तो मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा, अगर मैं बलवान हो गया तो मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा, अगर मैं रूपवान हो गया तो मैं सुखी जाऊंगा, अगर मैं यशवान हो गया तो मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा, अगर मैं बुद्धिवान हो गया तो मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा, इत्यादि| इस तरह से देखने मैं आता है की हमारे सारे के सारे काम के मूल मैं सुख और उसकी निरंतरता की ही चाहना है|

उपरोक्त व्याख्या में दो आयामों की चर्चा हुई, कुछ कर के सुखी होने का प्रयास और कुछ पाने की आशा में सुखी होने का प्रयास या कुछ पा कर के सुखी होने की आशा रखना| इस प्रकरण मे, मैं कुछ कर के सुखी होने के प्रयास के ऊपर चर्चा करूँगा| कुछ कर के सुखी होने के प्रयास में ऐसा देखने में आता है की उससे मिलने वाले सुख में निश्चितता, स्थिरता और निरंतरता नहीं आ पाती| जैसे कुछ देर गाने सुन के मैं बोर हो जाता हूँ, फिर मुझे कुछ और चाहिए होता है| कुछ देर दोस्तों से बात कर लेने के बाद मैं वापस से कुछ चेंज चाहता हूँ, कुछ नयापन चाहता हूँ| कुछ कर के सुखी होने के प्रयास मे ये नयेपन की चाहना बनी ही रहती है| नयेपन की चाहना का यही मतलब है कि मैं जो कर रहा हूँ उसमें मुझे कुछ देर के पश्चात् तृप्ति मिलना कम/बंद हो जाती है, इसीलिए मुझे तृप्ति के लिए किसी नए स्रोत कि तलाश रहती है| यहाँ पर एक चीज़ और भी आती है कि अगर किसी कारणवश मैं पहले से ही काफ़ी परेशान हूँ तो कुछ कर लेने से मुझे कुछ सामायिक आराम भले ही मिल जाए परन्तु तृप्ति नहीं मिल पाती| जैसे अगर मेरे किसी प्रिय मित्र से मेरी लड़ाई हो गई है तो जब तक मैं उस समस्या से बहार नहीं आ जाता, तब तक मुझे कुछ भी करने में आनंद नहीं आ पाता| तब ना तो मुझे गाने अच्छे लगते हैं, ना ही चलचित्र| हर समय मेरा ध्यान इसी ओर रहता है कि वापस से सब पहले जैसा अच्छा हो जाए| इससे यह सिद्ध होता है कि कुछ कर के सुखी होने के प्रयास में निश्चितता, स्थिरता और निरंतरता नहीं बनी रहती, जबकि एक मानव निरंतर सुख कि वांछा रखता है|

दूसरा आयाम रहता है, कुछ पा कर के सुखी होने कि आशा रखना| इसमें मेरी आशा यह बनी रहती है कि अगर मुझे फलानी वस्तु मिल गई तो मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा| इस तरह की आशा मे मुझे जब तक वह वस्तु नहीं मिलती तब तक मैं स्वयं मे आराम महसूस नहीं करता| बल्कि अगर मुझे कुछ इस तरह का विकल्प दिखता है कि जिसमें मुझे बिना कुछ करे ही वस्तु मिल जाए तो मे उस विकल्प को अपना लेना चाहता हूँ| जैसे, अगर मैं यह मानता हूँ कि परीक्षा मे अच्छे नंबर ला कर के मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा तो मेरे लिए पढने का उद्देश्य नंबर लाना ही रह जाता है| मेरा पढ़ाई मे मन नहीं लगता, मैं पड़ते समय दुखी रहता हूँ, जिसके कारण मुझे उसमें समय भी काफ़ी ज्यादा लगता है और अगर मुझे ऐसे विकल्प नज़र आते हैं कि जिनमें मुझे बिना पढ़े ही नंबर मिल जाएँ तो मैं उन विकल्पों को अपना लेना चाहता हूँ| जैसे, परीक्षा मे नक़ल करना, नकली प्रमाण पत्र बनवाना, इत्यादि| यहाँ पर देखने की बात यह है कि यहाँ पर मैंने ऐसा माना रहता है कि कुछ पा कर के मैं सुखी हो जाऊंगा, जिसके कारण उस चीज़ को पाने के लिए मे कुछ भी करने को तैयार हो जाता हूँ और जब तक मुझे वह चीज़ नहीं मिलती तब तक मैं स्वयं में तृप्ति महसूस नहीं करता| वह वस्तु मिल जाने के बाद भी मुझ मे यह भय बना रहता है कि वह वस्तु मेरे साथ बने रहेगी या नहीं! और यह भय दोबारा से मेरे दुखों का कारण बनता है| जैसे, अक्सर मुझे यह अच्छा लगता है जब मेरे आस पास के लोग मेरे बारे मे अच्छा सोचते हैं, मुझे ऊंचा देखते हैं| अब मेरा सारा ध्यान इस बात पर रहता है कि मैं कुछ ऐसा करूँ कि लोग मेरे बारे मे अच्छा सोचें| उसके लिए मैं वह सब भी करने को तैयार हो जाता हूँ जो मुझे अच्छा नहीं लगता| पर जो आज अच्छा देख रहा है वह कल अच्छा नहीं देखेगा| इसके कारण मेरे अन्दर हमेशा ही अपने सम्मान को खो देने का भय बना रहता है, जो मेरे दुःख का कारण बनता है| सम्मान जब तक मिला नहीं तब तक मैं उसे पाने कि चाह मे व्याकुल रहता हूँ और जब मिल गया तब मै उसके बने रहने कि चिंता मे लगा रहता हूँ और अगर वो बना भी रह रहा है तो वह मुझे कुछ समय के पश्चात् मुझे निरंतर तृप्ति देने मे पर्याप्त नहीं हो पाता, मुझे उससे भी कुछ अधिक कि आवश्यकता महसूस होती है| इससे यह स्पष्ट हो जाता है कि कुछ पा के सुखी होने के प्रयास मे भी सुख कि निश्चितता, स्थिरता, निरंतरता नहीं मिल पाती|

यहाँ पर यह बात काफ़ी महत्त्वपूर्ण हो जाती है की मानव निरंतर सुख चाहता है, इसलिए उसे सुख के किसी ऐसे स्रोत की आवश्यकता है जिसमें निरंतर सुख प्रदान करने का स्वभाव हो| ऐसे स्रोत कि आवश्यकता है जिससे सुख कि निश्चितता, स्थिरता, निरंतरता सुनिश्चित हो सके| ऐसा सुख का स्रोत समाधान ही है| स्वयं मे समाधान ही सुख है| समाधान से तात्पर्य है स्वयं मे स्वयं तथा अस्तित्व के प्रति ज्ञान|

कुछ कर के या कुछ पा कर के सुखी हो जायेंगे ऐसा नहीं होता है, सुखी तो इन्सान समाधान से ही होता है, समाधानित हो कर के इन्सान जो करता है उसे वह सुखपूर्वक कर सकता है|

This is not about any advertisement line. It is a short narration of a same incident on 3 different days.

Day1:-

I was going to my office. From Kothaguda to Hi.Tech city autowalla takes 4 Rs. I sat in Auto, reached Hi.Tech city, he asked me 4 Rs, I gave him.

Day2:-

I was not in good mood this day due to some reason.

I was going to my office. From Kotaguda to Hi.Tech city autowallas have increased the price to 5 Rs and I was unaware of it. I sat in Auto, reached Hi.Tech city, he asked me 5 Rs! I said, “Bhaiya 4 lagta hai”. He started shouting at me. Since I was not in good mood this day, his words increased the intensity of my bad mood. I was angry inside. I did not manifest my anger on him, but I wanted to! I gave him 5 Rs and left the place.

Day3:-

I was in very good mood this day.

I was going to my office. From Kotaguda to Hi.Tech city autowallas take 5 Rs. I sat in Auto, got down at half the distance from Hi.Tech city, he asked me 5 Rs! I said, “Bhaiya 4 lagta hai”. He started shouting at me. Since I was in good mood this day, his words did not affect me at all. My inside state did not change. I gave him 5 Rs and left the place. In fact if this day he would have asked me for 10 Rs for the same distance I would have given him without any problem.

There is something very important to see in here.

When I am in good mood, uncertainties of external environment doesn’t affect me much. If I am in bad mood and if my external environment is not according to my expectations then it really affects me.

So is it really the external environment which affects me? Is it really the external environment which is the cause of my problems? Is it really other person who is making me unhappy?

When a human being is unhappy inside, he expects his external environment to be certain according to his expectations. When a human being is happy inside, uncertainties of external environment does not really affect him, rather he is able to see the uncertainty from a distance i.e without getting himself affected by the problem and is able to empathize with other person if he is doing something wrong.

This is something which I feel is very important and is the root cause of the problems which we see within ourselves, in our family, in our relationships, in our society and even in nature.

A human being naturally expects Certainty, Consistency, Continuity of Happiness. When he is Happy within, he spreads and shares his happiness with others. When he is unhappy within he expects to get happiness from his environment, by expecting Certainty, Consistency and Continuity of external environment according to his all expectations.

This is the root cause of problems like domination, jealousy, hatred, opposition etc. which we see in the society and which we all do not want. But due to lack of understanding of the root cause of problem we keep blaming other person that other person is making me unhappy and other person should be corrected for my happiness. And the fact remains that even if the other person is corrected my possibility to get angry/jealous/hatred etc. with some other person remains available and if I get hurt with that some-other-person again then I want that some-other-person to be corrected. In this way we never take the responsibility of our own Happiness. We feel that it is other person’s responsibility to make me happy and we ourselves are unaware of this feeling/assumption.

Now the question comes, what is Happiness then? If my Happiness is dependent on my external environment then am I ever going to be Happy? So what is the solution?

Solution is, Knowledge.

It is the lack of understanding within an individual(ourselves) at all the levels of his/our living, is the root cause of all the problems which we see at all the levels of our living today.

It is Knowledge which helps us understanding, Happiness, Trust, Respect, Confidence etc. which are the basic requirement of a human being. In lack of understanding of these we tend to fulfill these requirements through other people around us and it gives rise to the situation like two beggers are trying to snatch the coins from each other’s bowl!

Since it starts from my own internal environment, how my external environment would be, so I said, “Ye andar ki baat hai”.

Knowledge includes, understanding related to,

Self
Family
Society
Nature

This is not the gap on a road or the gap between platform and train for which generally this logo is used. This logo is generally used in London underground trains.

The gap which I am referring to here is the gap between “What I currently am” and “What I really want to be”.

Do you see a gap between these two? In myself I do see, a huge gap.

So what is that, that I really want to be? I see that I want to be happy continuously.

It is the continuous Happiness which I really want. I want Certainty, Consistency and Continuity of Happiness. There is never a time when I desire for unhappiness. When I am unhappy I want to come out of that state and when I am happy I want to continue to be in that state, so it implies that it is Happiness which I really want!

This is something which is independent of perceptions. This is something which is inherent in each individual. All the actions of a human being are happening just for the sake of ensuring Happiness and its continuity, without any exception. We do a lot of things, like studying for exams, passing IITs, doing Phds, doing Jobs, earning recognitions, positions, money, marriage, kid etc, expecting unconditional acceptance from others around, liking-disliking people around and a lot more things, but the question still remains, is that all able to give me what I really want? Mind you, I do not discourage doing all above or I do not say that above all is wrong, but the only thing which makes me to think is, is this sufficient for what I really want?

And the next question is, what I currently am? Am I what I really want to be?

If I compare my current state with what I really want to be, then I see that I am not what I really want to be!

Are you?

If I am not then what is the program of action I am going to follow in order to be what I really want to be?

This is generally the way how hunters catch monkeys. They put some eatables inside a vessel with narrow opening in which a monkey’s hand can go, but when monkey gets hold of that eatable and tries to pull it out, he can not take his hand out and is ultimately trapped! 😀

So question which comes here is,

Who caught the monkey?

1. Hunter?
2. Trap itself?
3. Lack of understanding of monkey?

This situation can be related with us too. We are also trapped in such kind of traps and we keep blaming the hunter for installing that trap. There are many situations which can be related to it,

1. I wear different masks in front of different people and then blame others that others make me to wear these masks and also criticize those who wear masks in front of me.

2. I want to live with Trust, but my Trust on other person is generally dependent on other person’s conduct. When conduct of other person changes, I get hurt and I blame other person that he/she breached my trust.

3. I want to live with Happiness, that is my need and due to lack of understanding of what it is, I keep blaming others that they are not letting me to live with happiness.

4. Due to lack of understanding of Happiness, I search it in those places where it is not and I am trapped. I do not get Happiness and make others also unhappy.

5. Due to my own lack of understanding I am Trapped (Partantra) and I keep blaming others that others are not letting me to be Free (Swatantra).

This is where we all are Trapped. This monkey trap is something which is visible, but the trap in which we are stuck is not visible through eyes. It can only be felt, understood. Once I realize that I am trapped then I start working to get rid of that trap and become “Swatantra”.

So here I see that I am trapped due to my own lack of understanding. If I have understanding then I can become Free/Happy (Swatantra).

It is Understanding/Knowledge which can make me Happy.

Knowledge includes, understanding related to,

1. Self
2. Family
3. Society
4. Nature

We see that we have expectations from people with whom we feel related and like. When those expectations are not fulfilled then we get hurt and conclude that expectations is the root cause of all miseries. We start feeling that if we have no expectations then we will not get hurt and tell others the same, that seems to be right, but are we really able to do it? Are we able to suppress our expectations? After getting hurt again and again we become more careful about ourselves, we are afraid that it might again give rise to some expectations again and possibility to get hurt again might rise. But, I see that this is not desirable to me, I am suppressing my expectations with other person. I am always trying to keep some distance with other person so that I do not get hurt again. I am not feeling good within me. When those expectations are fulfilled then I feel good, when they are not I feel bad. When I am suppressing my expectations then also I am feeling bad. Expectations are actually arising within me and more than half of my energy is going into suppressing those expectations and even after suppressing them I am feeling a void within. The void is killing me. I am feeling very lonely. I am always searching for somebody who can understand me, whom I can trust, with whom I have assurance that he will be there with me no matter what! Generally we expect unconditional Trust and unconditional Respect from other person.

When I get that person after getting hurt many many times, I feel very very comfortable. I start considering the person as my everything. My expectations with that person are too much and till the time they are getting fulfilled I am very happy. But, as soon as the time comes when I feel that my expectations are not being fulfilled or something similar then in this case I get hurt terribly. In this case I get hurt more because after getting hurt already several times I got a person whom I could trust and when I find that even this person is not able to fulfill my expectations or even this person doesn’t understand me, then my trust shakes terribly and I get hurt terribly!

So what is the solution?

There are a few potential issues with these expectations. We expect Unconditional Trust and Unconditional Respect from other person. We want other person to Unconditionally Accept us. Unconditional Acceptance means Certainty, Consistency and Continuity of Trust and Respect. We expect Certainty, Consistency and Continuity of Trust and Respect from other person.We expect that other person should never doubt our intentions, should understand us, should always evaluate us rightly. Others also have same expectations from us.

Now here the problem starts. I and other person both want Unconditional Acceptance from each other. Lets analyze the situation from our side. I see that I Trust other person when other person suits to my preferences, likings and disliking. The more other person suits the more I Trust him. When I get such a person I feel happy because I can Trust him. With time we see that, either the other person’s behavior and work changes and he is no longer suitable to my preferences or my preferences change so other person is not longer suitable to my preferences or even if the person is suitable to my preferences since a long time but that is not sufficient for me now, I want something more than that. Same thing happens with other person. So I see that,

There is no certainty that my expectations will be fulfilled by other person.

There is no consistency that all the expectations will be fulfilled all the time by other person.

There is no continuity of fulfillment of those expectations by other person because even if they are fulfilled then I want something more than that after some time.

One more thing is, in this case the key of my happiness is in hands of other person. When other person is able to fulfill my expectations I feel happy otherwise not.

Generally after seeing all which we discussed we start feeling that expectation itself is the root cause of misery so lets suppress it. I also see that suppressing expectations is not being possible. The more I suppress I more stronger it gets.

So what is that, that I really want? and what is the way out of it?

Few questions which come first are, what do I really expect? and  why do I expect that? and how can that expectation be fulfilled?

Every Human Being want Certainty, Consistency and Continuity of Happiness in every dimension of his living. All the actions of a human being are happening for the sake of ensuring happiness only. All the desires, expectations, thoughts are directed to reach the same goal, to reach the same purpose, to satisfy the same need, i.e. happiness.

In the absence/lack of understanding of “what happiness actually is?” and “how can I get it?” I start searching it in each and every such thing which makes me feel good.

I see that I feel good in various things, like eating good food, enjoying in amusement parks, having a long drive in a good car, TV, music, movies, having a bunglow, having lots of money, power, position, having good and fulfilling relationships, winning an award and many more. This list is endless. These things can be classified into two categories at this stage. Things which make me feel good physically and things which make me feel good emotionally.

Here we also see that feeling good emotionally is dominant than feeling good physically. If I am not in good mood then I can not enjoy food in even a 5 star hotel, I can not enjoy rides in an amusement park, I can not enjoy any of such physical things. When I am already in good mood then even if other physical pleasures like good food, TV, music, movies are not available then its fine. If they are available then that’s better. Generally what we try to do is, we try to fulfill the emotional need with physical things and that doesn’t fulfill it.

Now as we discussed that the basic emotional need is of Unconditional Acceptance from other person in a relationship. Even in this case we saw a potential problems of not able to ensure certainty, consistency and continuity of fulfillment of that emotional need from other person.

So what ultimately is the solution?

Solution is Knowledge.

Knowledge of what actually Trust is, what actually respect is, what actually unconditional acceptance mean, what do I really want and how can I fulfill it.

A human being wants to live with certainty in every dimension of his living. He starts with the expectation of certainty in others around, in family, society and nature and that also according to his preferences. When he recognizes uncertainty in any dimension then it makes him unhappy.

With Knowledge we start recognizing that certainty is already there in existence. Recognition of that already existing certainty in existence is Happiness.

To understand Happiness, Trust, Respect, Acceptance etc. we need knowledge. Knowledge includes,

Knowledge of the Self,
Knowledge of entire existence,
Knowledge of Natural Human Conduct.

एक दिन एक लोकल बस ड्राईवर बस को लेकर अपने निर्धारित रस्ते से गुज़र रहा था| रस्ते से गुज़रते हुए उसने बस को एक बस स्टाप पर रोका| वहां पर बस में एक हट्टा कट्टा ६ फुटिया पहलवान बस में चढ़ा| बस ड्राईवर ने उससे टिकट लेने का अनुरोध किया, इस पर पहलवान ने कहा, “पहलवान टिकट नहीं खरीदता”| यह सुनकर बस ड्राईवर घबरा गया और उसने पहलवान को फ़िर कुछ नहीं कहा| उसने पहलवान को बिना टिकट ही यात्रा करने दी|
दूसरे दिन फ़िर ड्राईवर जब अपने निर्धारित रस्ते से गुज़र रहा था तब फ़िर से वह पहलवान उस बस स्टाप से बस में चढा| टिकट लेने का अनुरोध किए जाने पर उसने फ़िर से वही जवाब दिया, “पहलवान टिकट नहीं लेता”| बस ड्राईवर फ़िर से घबरा गया और फ़िर से उसने उस पहलवान को बिना टिकट यात्रा करने दी| हर दिन ऐसा ही चलता रहा| देखते ही देखते २ महीने निकल गए और वह पहलवान बिना टिकट ही यात्रा करता रहा|
अब यह बस ड्राईवर से सहन नहीं होता था| बस ड्राईवर ने भी ठान ली की मैं इस पहलवान को सबक सिखा के ही रहूँगा| उसने फ़िर अपने सारे प्रयत्न अपने शरीर को और ताकतवर बनाने मे लगा दिए| रोज सुबह उठकर बहुत कसरत किया करता था| अब उसने कराटे क्लास भी ज्वाइन कर ली थी| ४ महीने के निरंतर अथक प्रयास के बाद जब उसे लगा की अब मैं उस पहलवान को टक्कर देने का सामर्थ्य हासिल कर चुका हूँ तो उसने वापस से बस चलाने का निर्णय लिया|
अब वह वापस से दूसरे दिन बस को उसी रस्ते से ले कर गया| वह पहलवान आदमी वहा से बस मे चढा| बस ड्राईवर ने अब की बार उससे गुस्से में कहा, “अरे ओ पहलवान की औलाद, ये ले तेरा टिकट”| पहलवान ने फ़िर वही कहा, “पहलवान टिकट नहीं खरीदता”| यह सुनकर ड्राईवर ने बस रोक दी और अपनी बुशर्ट की आस्तीन ऊपर कर के बोला, “ऐसे कैसे नहीं खरीदेगा टिकट”, तो इस पर पहलवान ने जवाब दिया, “पहलवान टिकट इसलिए नहीं खरीदेगा क्यूंकि उसके पास बसपास है”!

अगर हम ध्यान से देखें तो हमारे संबंधों में जो हम कई तरह के तनाव महसूस करते हैं, उनमें से आधे से ज्यादा तनाव हमारी उलटी सीधी कल्पनाओं के ही कारण रहते हैं| हम दूसरे व्यक्ति के बारे में कुछ भी मान लेते हैं, कुछ भी कल्पना कर लेते हैं और या तो उस कल्पना के आधार पर, उत्साहित होने लगते हैं या फ़िर भयभीत| उसी कलपना के आधार पर हम दूसरे व्यक्ति के साथ व्यवहार करने लगते हैं| दूसरे व्यक्ति के बारे में मेरे अन्दर बनी हुई कल्पना, मेरी आंखों पर एक रंगीन चश्मा लग जाने जैसा होता है| अब उस दूसरे व्यक्ति की हर गतिविधि मुझे रंगीन ही दिखाई देती है| अब भाई लाल रंग का चश्मा लगा कर देखेंगे तो दुनिया लाल ही दिखाई देगी न! यहाँ तक की हम दूसरे व्यक्ति से पूछने की भी चेष्ठा नहीं करते की असलियत क्या है और बस अपने आप को ही सही माने रहते हैं| संबंधों में इस तरह के संवाद की कमी के कारण हम कई तरह के तनाव महसूस करते हैं| यह तनाव धीरे धीरे जलन, घृणा, इर्ष्या, इत्यादि का रूप ले लेती है और हमें पता भी नहीं चलता| जब तक हमें पता चलता है तब तक बहुत देर हो चुकी होती है, और यह सब हमारे दुखों का कारण बनता है|

एक बार एक आदमी पानी पीने के लिए एक नदी के किनारे जाता है| नदी के किनारे एक आम का पेड़ था, जिसका प्रतिबिम्ब पानी पर पड़ रहा था| जब वह आदमी पानी के पास पहुचता है तो उसे पानी में आम के पेड़ पर लगे हुए आमों की परछाई दिखाई देती है| वो आदमी उन आमों की परछाई को ही आम मान लेता है और उसे पाने के लिए पानी में कूद जाता है| एक किनारे से दूसरे किनारे, यहाँ से वहां, ज्यादा से ज्यादा गहरा तक उतर जाता है, पर उसे आम नहीं मिलता! आम ना मिल पाने के कारण वह अपने सामर्थ्य पर शंका करने लगता है और फिर उसे लगता है को इस आम को पाने के लिए मुझे अपने बल व सामर्थ्य को बढाना होगा, तो वह कई तरह के यन्त्र उपकरणों का आविष्कार करता है, कई तरह को नावें, जहाज, पन्दुब्बियाँ इत्यादि बना लेता है| लगा ही रहता है, पर उसे आम नहीं मिलता| तो वह और भी कई लोगों को उन आमों के बारे में बताता है, वे लोग भी उसके साथ उस आमों को पानी में से निकालने के लिए तत्पर हो उठते हैं और अपने सारे प्रयास उन आमों को पाने के लिए लगाने लगते हैं|
साथ ही साथ कई और तरह की गतिविधियाँ भी समाज में होने लगती हैं| कई तरह की बैठकें, सभाएं होने लगती हैं, जिनमें चर्चा का विषय होता है, “पानी में से आम कैसे निकालें”| कई तरह की पुस्तकें छपने लगती हैं, जो लोगो का उत्साहवर्धन करने का काम करती हैं, पानी में से आम निकालने के लिए लोगों को प्रेरित करती हैं| “पानी में से आम निकालने के ७ तरीके”, “आज ही अपना आम पाइए”, “आम ही सब कुछ है”, “२१ दिनों में आम” इत्यादि पुस्तकें बाजार में उपलब्ध होने लगती हैं| देखते ही देखते पूरा समाज पानी में से आम निकालने, बाकी लोगों को पानी में से आम निकालने के लिए प्रेरित करने तथा उससे जुड़े व्यवसायों में लग जाता है|
कई तरह के विचित्र यंत्रों का निर्माण होने लगता है, जो जितना बड़ा यन्त्र बनाता है उसे उतना ही अधिक सम्मान मिलने लगता है| यन्त्र बनने की होड़ समाज में लग जाती है| ज्यादा से ज्यादा पानी के नीचे जा सकने वाले यन्त्र, पानी के ऊपर से ही ज्यादा गहरे तक देख सकने वाले यन्त्र, इत्यादि| ज्यादा से ज्यादा लोग इस तरह के यन्त्र बनाने वाले व्यवसायों में संलग्न होने लगते हैं क्योकि इनमें ज्यादा पैसा भी है और सम्मान भी| जो लोग इससे या इससे जुड़े व्यवसायों में लगे रहते हैं उन्हें श्रेष्ट माना जाने लगता है| अब ज्यादा से ज्यादा लोग इन व्यवसायों में आ जाना चाहते हैं| इस होड़ में परस्पर प्रतिद्वंदिता, द्वेष, घृणा, इर्ष्या इत्यादि लोगों में जन्म लेने लगती है, जो समाज में परस्पर विरोध तथा लडाइयों को जन्म देने लगती हैं| लोग कई अलग अलग गुटों/राज्यों/देशों  में बटने लगते हैं और उनमें प्रतिद्वंदिता बनी रहती है| हर गुट/राज्य/देश सबसे पहले और सबसे ज्यादा आम पा लेना चाहता है|
प्रथ्वी पर उपलब्ध अधिक से अधिक प्राकृतिक संसाधनों का प्रयोग यन्त्र उपकरण बनाए में किया जाने लगता है और इसी को प्रगति का आधार भी माना जाने लगता है, जिससे और भी कई समस्याएं उत्पन्न होने लगती हैं| प्रत्येक  गुट/राज्य/देश प्रगति की इस नई परिभाषा की अनुरूपता में प्रगति कर लेना चाहता है| इसके कारण प्राकृतिक संसाधनों की भी प्रथ्वी पर कमी पड़ने लगती है| तरह तरह के यन्त्र उपकरण बनाने के उन्माद में पूरी सभ्यता अपना ख़ुद का ही विनाश करने पर उतारू हो जाती है| कई इस तरह की वस्तुओं का उत्पादन होने लगता है जिनका बोझ प्रथ्वी उठा नहीं सकती| प्राकृतिक व्यवस्था को बनाये रखते हुए वस्तुओं का उत्पादन संभव तो है लेकिन कोई उनमें लगना नहीं चाहता, क्योकि उत्पादन की उस विधि में ना तो पैसा है और ना ही सम्मान| और अगर कुछ लोग सही विधि से उतपादन के लिए कुछ करने की सोचते भी हैं तो उनके पास अपना ख़ुद का गुजर बसर करने के लिए भी संसाधन उपलब्ध नहीं हो पाते और फिर उनके द्वारा लिया कदम उनके ख़ुद के लिए अभिशाप बन जाता है|
साथ ही साथ एक दूसरी विचार धारा भी जन्म लेने लगती है जिसमें कुछ लोग ये देख लेते हैं की पानी में से आम निकालने का ये अथक प्रयास हम पिछले कई सालों से कर रहे हैं और कुछ हासिल नहीं कर पाये और इस आम को पाने की होड़ के कारण ही ये सब समस्याएं समाज में उत्पन्न हो रही हैं, तो वे लोग प्रस्ताव देते हैं की हमारे अन्दर ये आम को पाने की इच्छा ही हमारे दुखों का कारण है, हमें इस आम को पाने की इच्छा का ही दमन करना होगा! कई लोगों को ये बात सही भी लगती है और वे उस इच्छा को काफ़ी हद तक दबा भी पाते हैं| परन्तु अधिकतम लोगों को तो अभी भी वो आम की परछाई अपनी ओर आकर्षित करती रहती है और वे आम के प्रति अपनी इच्छा का दमन करने में अपने आप को असमर्थ पाते हैं|
इस तरह से यह दूसरी विचार धारा भी लोगों का काफ़ी कुछ भला नहीं कर पाती| पहली यन्त्र/उपकरणवादी विचारधारा ने तो लोगों को अपने चंगुल में फंसा ही रखा था और उसके परिणाम भी लोग भुगत ही रहे थे|
साथ ही साथ एक चीज़ और भी होती है, कुछ लोगों का इस बात पर ध्यान चला जाता है की ये जो आम हमें पानी में दिख रहा है ये तो केवल परछाई है, असल आम तो नदी के किनारे लगे पेड़ पर लगे हैं| वे लोग उन असल आमों का मजा ख़ुद तो ले ही रहे होते हैं और साथ ही साथ बाकी लोगों को बतलाने का प्रयास करते हैं की तो तुम्हें आम दिख रहा है वो आम नहीं है, आम तो नदी के किनारे लगे पेड़ पर हैं, जो तुम देख रहे हो वो तो केवल उन आमों की परछाई है| पर लोग उन्हें सुनने को तैयार नहीं होते| वे लोग उस आम के पेड़ की तरफ़ ध्यान तक देने को तैयार नहीं होते और केवल उन परछाइयों को ही आम माने रहते हैं और उन्हें पाने का प्रयास करते रहते हैं|
इसी तरह आम पाने का प्रयास चलता है| अधिक से अधिक लोग यन्त्र/उपकरणवादी मानसिकता से अधिक प्रभावित रहते हैं| अधिक से अधिक संसाधनों का प्रयोग होता रहता है और एक दिन धरती पर संसाधन इतने कम हो जाते हैं की इंसान का ख़ुद का रहना धरती पर दूभर हो जाता है| फिर वह इंसान दूसरे ग्रहों पर अपने अस्तित्व की संभावनाओं को खोजने लगता है और ये एक दूसरी होड़ को जन्म देती है|
इस तरह देखते ही देखते एक दिन सब ख़तम हो जाता है, पर किसी के आम हाथ नहीं लग पाता|

What is my expectation with other person?
We see that we expect something from other person, we like certain people and do not like many.
We see that we have many relationships like parents, relatives, friends and many more. We make new friends. We give different priorities to different friends. We classify our friends in different categories of Best, Close, Normal, Acquaintance etc. If we observe it closely then we come to know that the friends whom we call our best friends are generally those with whom we “feel” that they have accepted us unconditionally! With whom we have assurance that he/she is there for me no matter what! He/she will be there for me no matter what!

I want that other person Accepts me and keep Accepting me forever. He should never have any doubt about me in his/her mind. He should never misinterpret me. He should see me the way I see myself. He should Trust me Unconditionally, should Respect me Unconditionally and should Rightly Evaluate me always. We all feel close to those with whom our these expectations and requirements are met.

If in any case I feel any kind of behavior change of other person with me or If I sense that some doubt has come in the mind of other person or if I feel any kind of discontinuity of unconditional acceptance in other person for me, with whom I have had unconditional acceptance since a long time, then it terribly hurts me. I can not tolerate any kind of doubt about me in the mind of a person with whom I have spent a long time and who has accepted me unconditionally for long. I can never tolerate any kind of lack of assurance in other person’s mind for me in any case. If this happens I want other person to understand me, I want acceptance of the other person again on any cost. His understanding about me becomes my severe need in such a case. This must have happened with almost all of us. When this kind of thing happens and it is not resolved then we generally call it breach of Trust and ultimately a good long friendship/relationship converts into hatred/competition/jealousy etc. What do I do then?

If I have had 3-4 such kind of incidents then I conclude that, Relationship itself is a problem. I am then generally afraid to indulge into new relationships, I try to be detached, I isolate myself emotionally. Is that the solution? I will say no. In such a situation I feel myself emotionally deprived. I want to feel good again. When I again get any new person with whom I feel unconditional acceptance then I again feel good. I again expect other person to keep accepting me unconditionally forever. It is true that this time I am more careful and reluctant to indulge into the same, but I do and again possibility to suffer from same problem arises. So what is the solution and what is the root cause of all that is happening?

I am able to see that I have this expectation of Unconditional Acceptance in any relatinship from other person. It is such a need which is always there within me. Lets try to analyze this. There are two questions here

1. What is Unconditional Acceptance?
2. When do I feel that I have been Unconditionally Accepted?

What is Unconditional Acceptance?
Unconditional Acceptance, as the words themselves suggest, Acceptance without any condition. When there is no condition in acceptance then such kind of acceptance has continuity. Such kind of acceptance never fades out with time.

When do I feel that I have been Unconditionally Accepted?

Generally I feel that I have been Unconditionally Accepted when two conditions are met,
1. I feel that the other person has Accepted me Unconditionally.
2. When the manifestation of that Unconditional Acceptance by other person to me satisfies my notions/assumptions of Unconditional Acceptance.

I will elaborate what I want to say.

It happens many times that when the behavior of other person with whom I feel really good, changes then I get a doubt in me, “What happened to him?”, “Why he is behaving this way?”, “He was not like this…” etc. Such kind of uncertainties surround me doubts and questions, which keep troubling me. I feel insecure in the unconditional acceptance by other person for me. In most of the cases when I talk to other person for clarification of his behavior directly or indirectly then I realize that I was misinterpreting, I realize, “he was doing that for this reason” and I feel empathetic with him and feel good again. Till the time action/behavior of other person is within my range of sensitivity/empathy I feel fine, but when it goes outside and I could not figure out why he is doing what he is doing then doubt starts coming. This doubt again becomes a cause of my pain.

Generally we want other person to Unconditionally Accept us or Love us in the way we want. It is like saying, “Love me in this way”. We apply many-many-many conditions on other person to satisfy our notions of Unconditional Acceptance and when they are satisfied we feel that we have been Unconditionally Accepted and thus feel good. It is actually not at all Unconditional Acceptance. It is just the satisfaction of my preferences by other person. When other person satisfies my preferences, likings, dislikings and many other criterias and understand me then I feel that I have been Unconditionally Accepted. So we like those who satisfy our criterias of likings and disliking and not like those who do not satisfy them. Here, we also make one scale, that a person who satisfies most of my criterias is more dear one to me and the person satisfies less criterias is less dear one. I am always in search of a person who can satisfy all the criterias.

When I see above all points then I realize that because of all these I am always deprived of Unconditional Acceptance and I keep searching for a new person who can Unconditionally Accept me. In this way I see that it is really difficult to get Unconditional Acceptance from other person and keep depending on other person for my Happiness. I want my Happiness independent of any other person, but I see that I expect something from others and when those expectations are not fulfilled I feel unhappy, so what is the solution for it?

Solution is, Knowledge!

In this particular context, I can ask myself, what is there in Unconditional Acceptance which I am liking?

It is the feeling of Trust within myself due to the alignment of other person’s actions as per my expectations, which makes me happy. It is the feeling of Trust which makes me happy.

When I have Trust for other person I feel happy when I do not, I feel unhappy. Generally we feel that it is other person’s responsibility to keep my Trust.

To Understand Unconditional Acceptance, Trust, Respect, Relationships, Expectations etc. we need Knowledge. To increase this knowledge we need to continuously witness ourselves and ask why I am doing what I am doing? What is my root expectation? What do I really want? Whether something will be able to give me happiness and continuity of it or not? With more and more exploration my knowledge about myself, my expectations keeps increasing and I find answers within myself.

Knowledge includes,

1. Knowledge of the Self.
2. Knowledge of Entire Existence.
3. Knowledge of Natural Human Conduct.

There is a lot of scope to further write in this post, which is left on to the readers to think upon.