We see that we interact with several people. We feel related to several people. We like several people. When we spend some time with people whom we like then we generally develop a kind of more liking for them. When that liking goes beyond a particular threshold and other person becomes a source of happiness for us then we start calling that liking as Love.
Generally we start liking other person when that person suits to our preferences, likings and dislikings. When we get in touch with that person we feel good. With more and more time when I start getting assurance with the person that he evaluates me rightly, he feels good about me, he doesn’t doubt my intentions, he trusts me, he understands me and he has accepted me unconditionally then he starts becoming a source of happiness for me and with increase in the intensity of this feeling, I feel that I love that person.
Now here the problem starts.
In this wayof loving other person we expect other person to remain as he is now. I expect him to have same view towards me forever, I expect him to feel “good” about me with my own definition of “good”, I expect him to never doubt my intentions, I expect him to always evaluate me rightly, I expect him to keep accepting me unconditionally forever, I can not tolerate any change in the feeling, thoughts, behavior of other person towards me! If this happens even slightly it hurts me terribly. I can not tolerate that feeling of hurt and want other person to become same with me and remain same with me forever.
Even a small comment or slight behavior change in other person towards me gives rise to 1000s of questions within me. “Why is he doing like this?”, “What happened to him?”, “He was not like this”, “Probably he interpreted my previous actions in some wrong way” and many such more questions keep on troubling me. I get a fear of being wrongly evaluated. I can not tolerate it. I want other person to evaluate me rightly again. I want him to have same view about me which he had in past. The doubt which I have got in my mind for other person due to his change in behavior or comment makes me to reevaluate all my previous interactions with him. I start doubting him in all my previous interactions with him, I start feeling guilty for even slight mistakes I made in past with him. If I get a doubt on the intentions of other person then I start doubting his every action and in fact all previous interactions. This keeps happening with me till the time I am satisfied within myself with a conclusion for other person or I talk to other person to resolve the issue and this entire process is always very painful.
The way we love/like generally, the feeling which we develop over some time for other person is totally conditional. In this way we put several walls around other person and expect him to remain in those walls forever. Even the starting of our love is from conditions. When our conditions are fulfilled we start liking and then loving other person. This kind of love snatches our own freedom and the freedom of other person too whom we love.
In our current notions of love we hurt ourselves and hurt other person too. It also gives rise to many other problems. When we see that the person we love start paying attention to some other person more than us then we start feeling jealous, a feeling of hatred and opposition for that person start coming within us. When we see that the person we love is not able to return or respond back to us the way we want then we get hurt. If it continues for long then the feeling of love which we had start converting into a feeling of hatred.
In our current notions of love there is possessiveness, belongingness, “mine” and “yours”. I say that I love my parents because I consider them mine. If I come to know today that I am not their real child and I was adopted when I was a kid then my feeling for them might vanish/decrease in a fraction of seconds! I love other person when I consider him “mine”. When those notions of “mine” are changed then my feeling for those who have been “mine” is changed. See how much conditional our feeling is and we expect others to love us unconditionally!
What we consider currently as Love is actually NOT Love, it is Attachment!
Attachment is always conditional. Attachment always gives rise to negative feelings like jealousy/hatred/opposition etc. Attachment is not free from “mine” and “yours”. Attachment demands physical presence of other person. Attachment takes away our freedom and the freedom of other person too. Attachment makes us slave of other person. Attachment demands conformity/assurance from other person of response as per my notions of good, as per my preferences. Attachment is nothing but Violence and unfortunately we all are part of it. Attachment involves tremendous expectations from other person. Attachment involves dependency. Attachment is a liking on the basis of conditions which we ourselves are not aware of!
Love actually on the other hand is Unconditional. Love does not demand. Love doesn’t require physical presence of other person. Love is free from “mine” and “yours”. Love gives freedom to other person and liberates ourselves too. Love is unconditional liking for other person. It doesn’t expect anything in return. Love is “Ahimsa” (Non-Violence). Love is “Karuna”. Love is independent of our preferences, likings and dislikings. Love is not dependent on what other person has but is actually dependent on what a human being actually is! Love is invariant, unchanging feeling for other person independent of what may!
A human being naturally expects Certainty, Consistency and Continuity of Happiness in every dimension of his living. He doesn’t want any kind of dependency of his happiness on anything. Any kind of dependency violates Consistency and Continuity of Happiness which is not desirable to a human being. Attachment involves dependency of Happiness. Love is Continuity of Happiness.
With lack of understanding of Happiness we indulge into Attachment. With increase in Understanding of what Happiness actually is, we start moving towards Love.
To understand Relationships, Happiness, Trust, Respect, Love etc. we need knowledge. Knowledge includes understanding related to:-
Self
Family
Society
Nature
Tribulations of A Fledgling Mind 
>> “he evaluates me rightly, he feels good about me, he doesn’t doubt my intentions, he trusts me, he understands me and he has accepted me unconditionally then he starts becoming a source of happiness for me and with increase in the intensity of this feeling, I feel that I love that person.”
Going by the number of “he”s, this looks like a Dostana kind of script 🙂
Chill dude…
@coolDude:
Good comment 🙂
It reminds me of another “condition” within ourselves which we ourselves are not aware of. We associate “Love” with Gender and many more things.
I am happy to see your comment. Kindly keep reading and commenting.
what the fuck is wrong with you. be normal you asswipe. stop this fucking ranting, dickhead.
nice post
Hey I read your article. I appreciate your sincere and wonderful effort to distinguish between luv and attachment becoz most of the times, this narrow delineation cannot be seen by normal people. Whatever you have written is actually very close to my life experience and so I really appreciate it whole heartedly. Keep up your spirits and do keep writing and updating me about your latest articles. With luv and luck.
Hey Brother, quite a deep thinking…Good that you brought out this thin line of difference, …really its hard understand ! Good writing… keep it up
Wonderful post… I am grateful to you to have cleared the misconception about love. I knew almost everything you said in this post, but you’ve done a wonderful work of putting it into words in a clear and subtle manner… I don’t feel like reading many of your posts (please no offense meant, most of them are too deep into philosophy of life 😦 ), but this one is something that I was hooked to from the time I read the title! 🙂
@Abhishek:
I am thankful to you for such a nice comment and compliments!
When you said that you knew most of what I said, so it gives me impression that you have tasted the feeling involved in Attachment and also the pain. We all have tasted it, but in spite of tasting it again and again we do not try to find any alternative.
I am happy to see your honesty too while mentioning your comments about my blog. It is not only with you, it is the case with most that they do not like my blog, you can see its reflection in the abusive comments 🙂
Hi,
In your post ‘Can we Supress Expectations?’, in response to my query you said that expectation of unconditional acceptance remains.
In this post you seems to be more liberal about love. Love is totally unrelated to the subject as it seems. Given the similarity between love and unconditional acceptance, would you still say that expectation of unconditional acceptance remains, or are the two unrelated?
@Deepesh Bhaiyya,
I had put one more comment after that on the same post and also had sent you an email. Kindly have a look at.
I had said that expectation of Unconditional Acceptance remains in a different context. What I meant was, the root of this expectation of unconsitional acceptance lies in the fact that a human being wants to live with Trust and Respect, which has its root in the fact that he wats to live with Knowlesge to fulfill his expectation to live with Happiness. Due to lack of understanding of Trust and Respect he expect these things from other human beings, which doesn’t have certainty and continuity.
Love is completeness of understanding of “Trust” within. With completeness of Trust within myself I accept other person unconditionally. In fact in reality Trust, Respect, Unconditional Acceptance, Love, Knowledge and Happiness are nothing but the same thing.
It is just that they begin to manifest themselves in a slow progression which follows like,
first I understand that sensation from body is not able to make me happy, then I begin to realize that I want Trust and Respect and Unconditional Acceptance from other person, then I begin to realize that there is no continuity in that, then I realize that Trust and Respect are absolute, then I realize that I will get Trust and Respect from Knowledge, then I realize that Knowledge itself is Trust, Respect and completeness of Knoledge is what is complteness of Trust, Respect and is called Love.
Kindly note that I do not say that I have achieved the state of Love, but yes I am in process. Kindly pay attention towards the fact whether you need Unconditional Acceptance or not? As I have been saying since a long time that once you realize this, rest of the journey will have its own driving force.
Hey sirji, nice post 🙂